Dear Colleagues:

The Center for the Improvement of Child Caring is proud to bring to your attention a new book by one of the most talented parenting authorities in our nation, Dr. Michael Popkin. Dr. Popkin is the author and developer of all of the Active Parenting Programs, and founder and president of Active Parenting Publishers. He also serves with me as a member of the Advisory Board of NEPI, the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

Dr. Popkin's new book is, Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children without Breaking Their Spirits.

Below you will learn about this important volume for parents of spirited kids and for those who work with these special children and their families. You will find a book description, reviews by noted authorities, and a reproducible article for parents that Dr. Popkin wrote that helps parents discern whether they have a Spirited Child and what to do.

To purchase this inexpensive and practical book, click here.

With warmest regards,


Kerby T. Alvy, Ph.D.
CICC Founder and Executive Director
NEPI Board of Advisors

Do you work with parents of children who present a special challenge? Maybe you have a child of your own who resists your every request? Who turns everything into a big, loud drama?

Some kids seem to be born more curious, adventurous, powerful, persistent and sensitive - "CAPPS" - presenting a challenge for parent and professional alike. In his insightful new book for parents, Dr. Popkin shows how to understand and tame a child's behavior while celebrating the gift of spirit.

With humor, emotion and practical wisdom, Dr. Popkin teaches parents:

• How to recognize the characteristics of a spirited child
• The positive potential these remarkable children possess
• How taming is as much about building a relationship as setting limits
• The eight critical planks of a "taming corral"
• The dynamics of power and how to handle anger
• Practical, nonviolent discipline for spirited kids

"Finally, a fresh approach to the whole 'difficult child' category. In this insightful and moving work, Michael Popkin shows parents the positive potential of these spirited children without making excuses for their behavior. His 'taming' methods are as humane as they are effective."- Thom Hartman, author of Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception

"I adore the real strategies and know parents will be so grateful for the positive spin on 'spirit.' This is one of the best parenting books for raising challenging children." - Michele Borba , Ed.D., author of No More Misbehavin'

"This text should be required reading for anyone responsible for children. As a pediatrician, I know that captivating the difficult-to-manage child's spirit and redirecting that energy into positive thoughts and actions can go a long way towards improving social outcomes."- Dr. Melinda McVicar, Professor of Clinical Pediatrics, New York Medical College

"A wonderful, heartwarming book for any parent who has ever wanted to throw up her hands in despair over her child's repeated misbehavior. This book not only gives them hope; it gives them answers!"- Bettie B. Youngs, author of the best-selling Taste Berries for Teens series

"This is a book that needed to be written! Dr. Michael Popkin has done a wonderful job in providing a resource that will help those millions of parents of spirited children live happier, more satisfying family lives while giving their children the gift of love and limits."- Robyn Freedman Spizman, author of Women for Hire's: Get-Ahead Guide to Career Success.

"Tackling the book in its modest entirety will be easy for most readers as Popkin is an entertaining writer with keen insights; his own son was a spirited youngster, and the author draws from personal experience as well as his professional expertise." -Publishers Weekly, January 2007

Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children without Breaking Their Spirits

by Dr. Popkin

Forrest Gump might have observed that kids are like a box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get. Some are born with a peaceful temperament while others seem to rant and rave 24/7. Some are shy while others are hell on big wheels. Kids can be introspective, extroverted, humorous, aggressive or fearful. Some possess a spirited nature that can test the patience and skill of the most conscientious and skilled parent.

Whether you are a biological parent, a stepparent, a foster parent or any other type of caregiver, there is much about your child that you had nothing to do with creating. What you do with that natural born temperament can be for better or for worse. It can mean the difference between your child using his inborn traits productively or misusing them on the way to self-destruction; whether he winds up in the principal's office or gets a corner office; whether he finds the limelight or the line-up...or something in between.

Do you have a spirited child?
If you saw the movie Seabiscuit, you may recall the scene in which this feisty horse rebelled against his handlers, rearing defiantly while they tried to break his spirit. Failing to do so, they gave up and prepared to put him down. Fortunately for our four-legged hero, a young (and spirited) jockey and a wise owner saw potential in this rare creature and found a way to turn him into a champion. Spirited children are the Seabiscuits of childhood. They can drive us crazy with their energy and antics, but once tamed they have the stuff to succeed. In my years of working with such children (including my own spirited son, Ben) and their parents, I have found five characteristics that best describe these kids who live life with more energy and enthusiasm than their peers. Because these kids go through life in capital letters, bigger and bolder than the rest, I use the acronym CAPPS to describe them. They are more Curious, Adventurous, Powerful, Persistent and Sensitive. Sound like anyone you know? If you aren't sure, here's one final clue: their parents tend to find themselves angry a lot, like the time my own mother blew her stack as I ran through the house shooting off my cap gun (another type of CAPPS) while my baby sister tried to nap. As one mother told me, "I never even knew I could get angry until I had Alex!"

Taming (not breaking) the Spirited Child
While kids who are more curious, adventurous, powerful, persistent and sensitive can be a handful to raise, these same traits are incredibly useful for succeeding in today's competitive world. Seabiscuit, an undersized filly, beat the seemingly invincible favorite, Man of War, in 1938 by four lengths, giving hope to "the little guy" struggling to succeed in a depression era economy. A horse with a broken spirit could never have accomplished this amazing feat. Yet neither could an untamed Seabiscuit.

Taming a spirited child is not about using coercive and harsh discipline to teach him who's boss or have her yield to authority. I use the term "taming" as it was used by the author Antoine de Saint-Exup?ry in his imaginative children's book, The Little Prince, to mean "establishing ties." It is only by connecting with these unique children and establishing a heartfelt bond that we can teach them to calm themselves and use their immense resources constructively. The methods for doing this can be likened to an eight-sided corral, much like the corral a gifted wrangler will use to tame a wild horse. Each of the eight planks that form the corral represents an area of parenting skill and information essential for success with spirited children:

Plank 1. LEADERSHIP
Establish yourself as a firm yet friendly leader in the family. Show respect to your children and expect them to show respect in return to you. Use a firm and friendly tone of voice; allow input within limits; allow freedom within limits. Be confident while recognizing that all parents make mistakes and so will you.

Plank 2. PREVENTION

Anticipate and prevent problems. Understand your child's unique CAPPS (curiosity, adventurousness, power, persistence and sensitivity.) Learn what triggers CAPPS to lead to misbehavior, and learn how to defuse these situations before trouble can start. Redirect your child toward using these traits in positive ways. Understand the dynamics of anger: how it can fuel a child's desire to rebel, and how you can keep it under control.

Plank 3. RELATIONSHIP
Establish a positive relationship with your child, building on the friendship aspects of parenting. Make time to develop the skills that will help you establish ties with your child. Provide sincere and realistic encouragement on a regular basis.

Plank 4. POWER
Understand the principles of power and learn to sidestep power struggles. Your spirited child can sometimes seem "power drunk," so focus on helping him learn to manage this powerful quality, using it for motivation, not intimidation. Learn the same lessons for yourself if need be.

Plank 5. STRUCTURE

Provide structure for your child to help her learn to live within limits. A structure operates like a corral helping a wild horse learn to accept limits to his freedom as the handler works to tame her. Understand that spirited children need a flexible structure. When buildings are constructed in an earthquake zone, a rigid structure will crack and break under the stress. Modern earthquake-proof buildings use a flexible structure that is strong, yet able to give with the impact. Similarly, the structure you make to organize your child's time, space and behavior should be able to bend without breaking.

Plank 6. DISCIPLINE

Use respectful forms of discipline to enforce the limits of the situation. Avoid discipline that is too harsh, but do not fail to offer discipline as needed. Understand that effective discipline includes empathy and problem solving; your child can live within the limits and get her needs met at the same time.

Plank 7. PROBLEMS
Teach your child to problem-solve. Help him identify alternative solutions and anticipate consequences. Teach him to identify his feelings as well as his desires. Use effective communication skills to provide opportunities for teaching empathy for others; this will help him learn to resolve conflicts cooperatively.

Plank 8. RESOURCES
Recognize that you may need help in taming your spirited child, and identify where in your community that help is available. Reach out to your child's school, spiritual organizations, recreational leagues, health professionals, family and friends, and others.

Taming a spirited child requires time. It cannot be done overnight, and it cannot be done without committing effort and energy to the process. But the payoff comes in knowing that you have made a huge contribution to your child and to every person that child will come into contact with throughout his life! The payoff also comes in the deepening understanding that emerges from your relationship with your child. "One only understands the things that one tames," says the fox to the little prince. Allowing your child to remain wild not only does a disservice to him and to others, it robs you of the true joy of parenthood that of really understanding your child and what makes him the special person he is.

Permission to copy
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To purchase Taming the Spirited Child, click here.

The Center for the Improvement of Child Caring (CICC) was founded in 1974 by Dr. Kerby T. Alvy and has grown to be one of the nation's largest and most productive nonprofit parenting and parenting education organizations. For more information about CICC's many programs, activities, products and services, go to www.ciccparenting.org, or call toll-free (800) 325-2422.

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